I believe that most of the time we go through our days without actually thinking: we wake up, we work, we take care of our families, talk to people, laugh, cry, sleep. We feel happy, sad, exhausted, silly, serious, determined and a myriad of other things. I don’t know about you, but sometimes I stop and wonder: who am I, am I still the same, am I still an interesting person?
My husband and I had our first baby three months ago and it’s curious how having to look after a helpless little human makes me look more into myself and question everything. All of my choices, all the things I’ve ever done, my strange moods… I don’t know; does having a baby turn you into a different person? Does it make you boring?
I feel ashamed thinking about myself when I’m supposed to be thinking about my child and his wellbeing. I love my family and I’d never choose to go back; I don’t want to change anything, at least not any of the choices I’d made. But why then I feel so lost and sad sometimes? Although no, it’s not the baby and nothing like postnatal depression I think. It’s just that I’m so exhausted that certain things that I usually bury easily come right to the surface.
I remember telling my best friend ages ago how I had a little sadness living in me all the time, and sometimes it turned so small I couldn’t even find it, yet sometimes it grew so big and heavy that it overwhelmed me to the point when I didn’t want to leave the house.
So, my little sadness is growing again. Can one be extremely happy and terribly sad at the same time? That’s exactly how I feel. Maybe if I write and write and write until there are no more words to say, then I will understand everything.